How to deal with loneliness after a breakup

How often do you feel lonely? While it's common for all of us to experience loneliness after a breakup, what do we do with the feeling persists more than we're used to? How to deal with loneliness after a breakup?

If not dealt with properly, loneliness can grow into something harmful to a mental health.

Now, if you believe you're suffering from excessive or chronic loneliness, a good plan might be to seek out help through a counselor or mental health professional.
It's a great first step and gives you a chance to talk with someone about your feelings that you're experiencing.

While a lot of us can feel lonely when isolated for too long, loneliness isn't reliant on being alone.

Loneliness, like all of our emotions, is a state of mind. Research demonstrates that loneliness does not reflect how many friends or family members you have by your side.

Instead, it's how connected you feel internally. You can be surrounded by family or friends, and yet your feelings of loneliness still somehow managed to persist.

So what can we do about it?

Today we will talk about four tips to help you deal with loneliness after a breakup.

How to deal with loneliness after a breakup.

1. become friends with yourself first.

Self care is something that is extremely important for our mental health.

The truth is, we may feel lonely because deep down we longed for our own friendship. When's the last time you were kind to yourself, took a minute to relax and wind down just for you? And I don't mean passing out after a long night of working.

I mean conscious time dedicated to yourself and your thoughts, thoughts all on you, not work, not drama, just relaxation. This could mean a relaxing bubble bath instead of a quick shower. Some time spent doing an activity or a hobby that you enjoy, or perhaps sitting down with your favorite book.

When loneliness comes knocking on the door, it's a good idea to look inwards and spend some time with the friend within ourselves. They may be the one to help us calm ourselves and relieve some stress. That is if we do spend time with them. Once we've made friends with ourselves, we might not feel as lonely around others or on our own, because you always know you got your back.

2. show compassion.

Oftentimes, when we're lonely, we may wish that someone could simply be there for us, someone to understand us and show us some compassion. Well, a little compassion can go a long way. 

Don't you feel a little cheerier when someone gives you a compliment? when someone does a favor for you? Don't you feel a little more valued and less alone? Wouldn't you want to bring that compassion to others as well and spread love? Because not only does carrying out kind acts for others help them feel cheery, but it can make us feel cheery as well, and less lonely in the process. 

After all, we're engaging in a form of social interaction. Compassion can be a step towards making a new friend, or simply feeling less lonely knowing you may have made someone's day. According to research from psychologists, Ed Diener and Martin Seligman, altruism can lead to improved mental and physical health as well as speed up recovery from diseases.

Brain imaging research from Naomi Eisenberger at UCLA has found that providing support for others, may have unique positive effects on key brain areas involved in stress and reward responses.

 The research shows that a little compassion and support can predict decreased stress responses in the brain. So next time you're feeling lonely, perhaps reach out to a family member or old friend who could use some support, donate to a charity or volunteer with an organization you care about, maybe a mental health organization on loneliness, I'm sure they'd love to support as much as you.

3. find your tribe.

As mentioned, you don't need to be physically alone to feel lonely. You could be at a loud, seemingly fun party with others and still you can't help but shake the feeling. 

Perhaps you do have friends or classmates you regularly talk to and you do get along with them, but you don't necessarily have a lot in common with them. 

You may even find yourself disinterested in the topics they discuss, but politely not alone because hey they're your friends after all, and you care about them. But sometimes you feel like the odd one out. This may be due to the idea that you haven't found your tribe yet. 

Tribe, what on earth do you mean?

Well, looking for your tribe means you're looking for people who share common interests and ideas with you or possess traits you aspire to adapt.

 We should all surround ourselves with others who share the same interest, so we can not only discuss what we value, but gain a friend in doing so. It can take some people many years to find their tribe, they don't appear out of thin air. That's why joining an online community with interests similar to your own is an easy place to start. If you enjoy a certain video game, reach out to online players and make some friends.

Or perhaps you're a book lover, join a book club online or in person. You may find yourself with your very own tribe in no time.

How to deal with loneliness after a breakup?

4. there is no perfect friend.

If you're lonely, you may have daydreamed about what it would be like to be perfectly socialized, imagining yourself with an ideal group of friends and your best friend, the perfect friend.

 Hate to burst your bubble, but there's no such thing as perfect, meaning your imaginary friend isn't all you'd hoped they'd be. Theory and research suggests that those with a high level of perfectionism are more at risk for depressive symptoms and suicide ideation, because their feelings of alienation, isolation and loneliness are all the more intense. 

Thing is, perfectionism and socializing may even prevent them from socializing at all. Because when they do look for the perfect friend, they can't seem to find them anywhere. Philosopher and author of "A Philosophy of Loneliness" Lars Svendsen, argues that people with chronic loneliness may likely be social perfectionist. Svendsen explains that social perfectionism is more common among lonely individuals than non lonely. 

The lonely person thinks that they're unloved and that no one will befriend them. But perhaps the problem is rather that because they place such impossible demands on friendship and love, they are not capable of loving or befriending someone.

Now, are you capable of befriending someone? Absolutely. Don't let a little perfectionism get in the way of making a new friend. People have flaws, and not every social interaction is meant to be amazing. It can be awkward at times, or even silly. 

Once we're content with knowing friendships can be messy, awkward and silly at times, we can then feel a little more relaxed when it comes to making a new friend. 

If you think your perfectionism is getting in the way of finding a friend, know that someone is out there for you, but they won't be perfect. And flaws and all, you'll still love each other and may even be a little less lonely. There's someone out there for you, you just have to keep looking.

best books after a breakup

Breakups. They can be more than just difficult. Especially before and during a major romantic holiday. But there is a way to “not be alone” this Valentine’s Day even if you are by yourself. Book lovers will always have good, reliable books, which don’t let you down, always keep things fresh, and never ask anything of you but your love and attention.

Whether through a fictional story, a biography, or a self-help book, you can find lots of stories and advice filled with hope and learn to move on from a hard breakup.

breakup books

1. THE POST-BIRTHDAY WORLD BY LIONEL SHRIVER

2. BRIDGET JONES’S DIARY BY HELEN FIELDING

3. WHAT I TALK ABOUT WHEN I TALK ABOUT RUNNING BY HARUKI MURAKAMI

4. THE BREAKUP BIBLE BY MELISSA KANTOR

5. EAT, PRAY, LOVE BY ELIZABETH GILBERT

6. WHO AM I WITHOUT YOU? FIFTY-TWO WAYS TO REBUILD SELF-ESTEEM AFTER A BREAKUP BY CHRISTINA HIBBERT

7. SIX-WORD MEMOIRS ON LOVE AND HEARTBREAK BY LARRY SMITH

8. GETTING PAST YOUR BREAKUP: HOW TO TURN A DEVASTATING LOSS INTO THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU BY SUSAN ELLIOTT